My choice of seating arrangement should tell you a little about how I’m feeling right now: I’m on the floor down the left-side of my bed, where there is a foot or two of space between the bed and the wall in which to sit with my computer.
Why here? It feels solid.
I spent years shutting off the tender, scared parts of myself from the world. I have a very, very close friend who once told me that, even though she had known me for years, she could be sitting across the table with me having dinner, listening to me talk about myself, and still had no idea what was going on inside of me.
After many years of beginning to understand what she meant, and why I was that way, I began to work on changing. I wanted to be in a place where I felt like I could share what I then called the ‘less shiny’ parts of myself. I have taken big steps towards ‘healing out’ the fear of sharing the hurting, heavy parts of myself.
Recently I’ve had a few experiences that are threatening to send me back into my shell. Within these (ongoing) experiences, I am struggling to find a place where I can honour myself and my emotions. I recognize the damage that is occurring and yet I feel stuck in the headlights, unsure of which way to turn.
It has me thinking tonight about the things that are scary to share, to say, to expose to anyone. Are there parts of you that you are afraid to share? Do you know why you are afraid?