All this is for you.

It’s been a rough few years. I feel worn & torn, exhausted by dealing with blow after blow.

I think of myself as an optimistic, happy person. And yet the past few years have worn at me, like the constant flow of water that wears down a rock. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve believed in what I was doing or where I was going, and there have been so many loads to carry. I feel more lost than ever (and for me, that’s saying something), I am confused, I am weary. Yet here I am, still carrying around the notion that I really am an optimistic person.

Somewhere, maybe, there’s a path with my name on it. I’m setting out, again (returning to school–whew!). I’m not sure it’s the right decision. It’s a big investment of time and money. I don’t know that it’s right, but I’m going to try. I have to try something. When you’re growing up, and you get lost…well, you remember your parent’s advice, right? “If you get lost, just stand still…and I’ll come and find you”. But I’m not a child anymore, and what I want from life isn’t coming to find me. There is no one who is going to find me and set me on the right path. It’s my turn now. It’s my turn to explore. I’m lost, but I know that standing still isn’t going to help me find my way.

As I write I can tell that (since I haven’t written in a long time) there are so many thoughts I’d like to share. About how now is not then, even though it sure feels that way. About how I feel about going to do undergraduate work…8 years after I first went to university. About the pain of feeling stuck and like I’ve been standing still. About grief and loss. About vulnerability.

It has been a rough few years. I feel worn & torn…and yet here I stand, with more vulnerability and gratitude than ever before. There is so much to experience. So much wonder. I’m just looking for a way to it. So let me leave you with an image I stumbled across today.

Image

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